Avery Edison's Internet Diary

One of those blogs you've heard about, run by Avery Edison, a twenty-five year-old comedian and writer who lives in London, England.
  • January 10, 2014 7:42 pm

    From the chaff.

    Judas: We’ve been getting some complaints.

    Jesus: All good, I hope?

    Judas: What? No. That’s not… Look, your followers are pissed that you haven’t said anything about gay people.

    Jesus: I told you, I’m not taking a public stand on that issue.

    Judas: People are starting to take your silence as implicit support for homophobia.

    Jesus: Ugh, that’s dumb.

    Judas: Not really, but they’re gonna do it whether you think it’s stupid or not. You need to say something.

    Jesus: What if I tell a story? Like, a parable?

    Judas: Is it about gay people?

    Jesus: No.

    Judas: Then that is zero help.

    Jesus: It’s not about about gay people, but it’s about them, you know?

    Judas: Let me hear it.

    Jesus: Oh, now? Okay, um… Alright, cool. So there’s this wheat farmer, and he’s tending to his crop in the field behind his house.

    Judas: Congratulations, you just described a farm.

    Jesus: And his wife comes out and points at a small plot on the field, and she says, “This wheat doesn’t grow as tall as the rest. You should cut it down and burn it.”

    Judas: I feel like the gay people are the wheat, and you’re saying we should burn gay people.

    Jesus: Obviously I’m not. And the wheat isn’t anything. It’s just wheat. Anyway, the wife says that thing, and the farmer smiles and responds, “You asked to me bring you flour so that you can make bread for us to eat. I am growing the wheat, and when I am finished growing it I will grind it all down, and you will have your flour. And then you will not be able to tell me how much came from short stalks and how much from tall. It will all make for equally delicious bread.” The end.

    Judas: That’s it? That’s the whole story?

    Jesus: Pretty great, right?

    Judas: So great. Apart from being casually misogynistic, totally heteronormative, and implying that it’s okay to be gay even though that makes you less physically able than the rest of us(?) because once we’re dead we’re all the same.

    Jesus: I think death is a great message. For the gays.

    Judas: Yes, and so new to them(!)

  • January 9, 2014 2:31 pm

    Correspondence

    Judas: Mail’s here. Hm, a bunch of bills for me, and… Huh, you have something and it’s not a summons, for once. Looks like some kind of certification for an… active listening course?

    Jesus: I’m hearing that you just learned I took an active listening course.

    Judas: Uh, yeah. That’s what I just said.

    Jesus: It feels to me that you’re expressing impatience.

    Judas: I’m always impatient around you.

    Jesus: I’m listening, and I’m detecting undertones of rage and hatred.

    Judas: I assumed this was a bogus diploma, but it actually seems like you’ve learned something.

    Jesus:

    Judas: Is this still… Are you still doing the listening thing? Dude? Are you gonna say anything back?

    Jesus: Sometimes, the best way to listen is not to speak at all.

    Judas: Uh, yeah - that’s actually all the time.

    Jesus: I’m hearing… You’re feeling… There’s a, you’re, there’s time. All the time.

    Judas: Wow, you’re getting confused just dedicating your attention to a conversation.

    Jesus: Go easy on me, man, this is hard stuff.

    Judas: No, it isn’t. Are you aware that most regular folks don’t have to take classes to learn how to be decent enough to actually listen to the person they’re talking to?

    Jesus: Maybe… Maybe it’s hard for me because I also have to listen to all the prayers from around the world, and stuff.

    Judas: When did you even do this listening course? You haven’t left the couch for weeks.

    Jesus: It was online. Everything’s online now. I’m even doing sermons online. Well, I’m sending my followers to YouTube playlists of televangelists, which might as well be the same thing.

    Judas: How can conversational skills be taught online?

    Jesus: There’s mp3s. I put them all on my iPod.

    Judas: You don’t have an iPod. You lost yours, then borrowed mine, then lost mine too.

    Jesus: And yet I still passed the class! I guess word got around that I’m a great listener.

    Judas: If you’re such a great listener, what’s my name?

    Jesus: Argh, I know this one.

    Judas: You should. We’ve been living together for three years.

    Jesus: It’s on the tip of my tongue.

    Judas: It’s also on the credit card you’ve been using to order pizza every day for the past few weeks.

    Jesus: That reminds me - your credit card is broken.

    Judas: It’s not broken, you’ve just reached the limit.

    Jesus: Come on, man, I have no limits.

    Judas: Yes, and apparently neither does my patience.

  • January 8, 2014 11:21 am
  • January 2, 2014 3:56 pm

    Customer scheme.

    Jesus: My new plan is loyalty cards.

    Judas: For what?

    Jesus: For me. Loyalty cards for, like, faith. Jesus-faith.

    Judas: You’d give these out to your followers, then?

    Jesus: You got it.

    Judas: And they’d get points?

    Jesus: Exact- Wait, what? Why would they get points?

    Judas: It’s a pretty common thing with loyalty cards, you get points every time you use them, or spend-

    Jesus: No, I get the concept of points, I just don’t understand why my followers would be the ones receiving them.

    Judas: Who else would?

    Jesus: Me. Obviously.

    Judas: Your followers are going to sign up for a loyalty card…

    Jesus: It might be “opt-out” actually.

    Judas: …and then you’ll collect all the points…

    Jesus: Yeah, like whenever they pray, or wash my feet, or watch me curse a tree or something.

    Judas: …and then what? What’s the point of all the points?

    Jesus: The point is I’ll have a bunch of points.

    Judas: Will there be coupons? Rewards?

    Jesus: Heavenly rewards.

    Judas: For everyone involved?

    Jesus: All I know for sure is that I’m definitely going to heaven, and when I get there I’m going to have a shitload of points.

    Judas: So basically, nothing’s going to change except everyone who listens to you will have to carry around a plastic loyalty card?

    Jesus: I guess. Except I don’t think I like the word “loyalty”.

    Judas: Hm, we agree on that one.

    Jesus: Right, it seems too subtle. How about “fealty”?

    Judas: I… Yeah, that’s probably closer to what you have in mind.

  • December 20, 2013 10:22 am
    I took a look at your, uh, your business cards.

Pretty sweet, right? I can hook you up with my guy, if you like.

I don’t need business cards. You told me to quit my job when I followed you.

Then maybe yours could just say “Judas - thinks Jesus is awesome”.

I feel like that would be redundant, given that that’s basically what yours says too.

Mine says nothing about awesomeness. I looked up what a business card is meant to do, dude, and I followed it to the letter - name, job, contact info. Boom.

No, sure, whatever - you got that right. Congratulations. But I-

I accept your congratulations. Bless you, my son.

Stop being creepy. I really need to talk to you about this “job description”, because you say here that you’re the Son of God-

Which I am.

Which you are (maybe), and which we’re all super excited about. But then it says you also are God.

Yes.

That’s not confusing to you?

Oh, my child-

I said stop being creepy.

-you simply do not understand my ways. My ways are mysterious.

See, that just sounds like a cop-out.

Maybe to you…

To everyone, dude. And then, even getting past the “being God and also God’s Son” thing-

Which is absolutely not hard to grasp.

-there’s this “Holy Spirit” stuff on the end, there. What is that about?

Uh, yep. I’m the… I’m also the Holy Spirit. I actually got that one from you. You’re always saying I’m spirited.

No, I’m always saying you’re drunk on spirits, that’s completely different.

…Sometimes it’s just wine.

From what I can gather, you just made up a new aspect of yourself to impress people.

Do you think it works?

I think it’s confusing.

Confusion is just as good as respect.

In that case, your business card is perfect.

Argh, dammit! “Perfect”! I knew there was a word I was forgetting. Now I have to get these things printed again. View high resolution

    I took a look at your, uh, your business cards.

    Pretty sweet, right? I can hook you up with my guy, if you like.

    I don’t need business cards. You told me to quit my job when I followed you.

    Then maybe yours could just say “Judas - thinks Jesus is awesome”.

    I feel like that would be redundant, given that that’s basically what yours says too.

    Mine says nothing about awesomeness. I looked up what a business card is meant to do, dude, and I followed it to the letter - name, job, contact info. Boom.

    No, sure, whatever - you got that right. Congratulations. But I-

    I accept your congratulations. Bless you, my son.

    Stop being creepy. I really need to talk to you about this “job description”, because you say here that you’re the Son of God-

    Which I am.

    Which you are (maybe), and which we’re all super excited about. But then it says you also are God.

    Yes.

    That’s not confusing to you?

    Oh, my child-

    I said stop being creepy.

    -you simply do not understand my ways. My ways are mysterious.

    See, that just sounds like a cop-out.

    Maybe to you…

    To everyone, dude. And then, even getting past the “being God and also God’s Son” thing-

    Which is absolutely not hard to grasp.

    -there’s this “Holy Spirit” stuff on the end, there. What is that about?

    Uh, yep. I’m the… I’m also the Holy Spirit. I actually got that one from you. You’re always saying I’m spirited.

    No, I’m always saying you’re drunk on spirits, that’s completely different.

    …Sometimes it’s just wine.

    From what I can gather, you just made up a new aspect of yourself to impress people.

    Do you think it works?

    I think it’s confusing.

    Confusion is just as good as respect.

    In that case, your business card is perfect.

    Argh, dammit! “Perfect”! I knew there was a word I was forgetting. Now I have to get these things printed again.

  • August 7, 2013 8:15 pm

    Less epic than previously thought.

    Jesus: How dare you turn my Father’s house into a market?
    Judas: Dude, dude - be quiet. People are staring.
    Jesus: They should be staring! What would my Father say if he could see what a den of inequity His house has been turned into?
    Judas: You are drunk.
    Jesus: I can be drunk if I want. It’s my damn house.
    Judas: I thought it was your Dad’s?
    Jesus: I keep telling you, I… I am my Dad.
    Judas: So that whole “my Father’s house” thing, you really meant “my house”?
    Jesus: It belongs to… It’s both of our houses. Both ours house. We both have it.
    Judas: Whatever. You wanna kick everyone out, then? I mean, if it’s your house, it would be weird to let a bunch of strangers sell stuff here, right?
    Jesus: Maybe… Maybe they wouldn’t be strangers to me if they gave me a small portion of their profits?
    Judas: You want to charge rent for temple space, even though you don’t officially own the structure? Don’t you think that might piss a few people off?
    Jesus: Like who, the Pharisees? What are they gonna do, beat me up?

  • October 15, 2012 12:26 pm

    Sheaf.

    Jesus and his disciples are walking along a road. Jesus is eating wheat fresh off the stalk.

    Judas: Jesus, you shouldn’t be picking that wheat. It’s the Sabbath.
    Jesus: So I can’t eat if I’m hungry? You’ve gotta ease up on the rules there, Judas.
    Judas: If I’m not mistaken, they’re your rules.
    Jesus: Oh. Right. Well, in that case, uh… they don’t count. In this instance. This specific instance.
    Judas: You can’t just go changing God’s Law-
    Jesus: My law.
    Judas: -whenever you want. People need consistency in a king.
    Jesus: Ah, but I’m not just a king. I’m a king of kings. So I can be totally meta about my rules, and stuff.
    Judas: “Meta” doesn’t mean “just dick around”. If you were going to be “meta” about rules, you’d be making rules about rules, not breaking existing rules.
    Jesus: How’s this for a rule about a rule? I rule that you shut up. And also all rules only apply to me if I rule that the rule is relevant. Because I rule.
    Judas:I admit, that is pretty meta.
    Jesus: I’ve said the word “rule” too many times and now it sounds like nonsense.
    Judas: How apropros.

  • August 30, 2012 1:37 pm

    Gospel.

    Judas: You remember those guys you spoke to yesterday?
    Jesus: Uh, yeah. Sure.
    Judas: The four guys.
    Jesus: I said yeah, okay? I remember.
    Judas: What were their names?
    Jesus: I don’t need to answer your stupid trick questions.
    Judas: Matthew… Mark… Luke… J-
    Jesus: -Jacob. The last one was Jacob.
    Judas: John. It was John.
    Jesus: I knew it was a trick.
    Judas: Anyway, you need to pick one of them to be your official biographer.
    Jesus: Wow, that sounds boring. You do it.
    Judas: Dude, this is important. If you’re going to have any kind of legacy, you need a consistent narrative.
    Jesus: I guess somebody’s PR classes are paying off.
    Judas: Are you drunk?
    Jesus: All I’ve had today is water.
    Judas: I know what that means.
    Jesus: Screw it, I pick all of them.
    Judas: Sorry, what?
    Jesus: They can all have a crack at it. I’ll pick the best one later.
    Judas: That means you’re gonna have to pay all of them. You know that, right?
    Jesus: Eh, I’ll just tell them they’ll be rewarded in heaven. It works on everyone.
    Judas: …That’s what you said to me.
    Jesus: I lied a minute ago. I am drunk.

  • February 3, 2012 4:34 pm

    Online brand.

      Judas:  Jesus, you need to stop redesigning your website.
      Jesus:  But I really feel like *this time* will be the *last* time. I just have to change one more thing...
      Judas:  This isn't healthy. And anyway, I thought you said the whole concept of you having a website was redundant since you "are everywhere, in every bit and byte, every message board and Skype session, yea, even the sexy ones".
      Jesus:  *Especially* the sexy ones, Judas. I'm super in those. But I need to establish a more *obvious* online presence.
      Judas:  And the way to do that is with a website that displays an animated .gif of you high-five-ing a dead guy until he comes back to life?
      Jesus:  Remind me to put in a disclaimer saying that I didn't know he would come back to life. I just wanted a cool Facebook profile pic.
      Judas:  I assume that that's why the .gif ends with you terrified and trying to kick Lazarus *back to death*?
      Jesus:  Yeah, I need you to show me how to edit that part out, and replace it with the words "Jesus loves you. But please stop asking Jesus to bring your friends back to life."
  • January 5, 2012 6:27 pm

    Recruitment.

      Jesus:  Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.
      Simon:  Sounds great!
      Jesus:  Not in a gay way, though.
      Andrew:  Uh, okay.
      Jesus:  I just needed to make sure nobody was mishearing my words. You hear what happened to John the Baptist when he asked that chick for some head?
      Judas:  This is not as spiritually fulfilling as I had hoped it would be.