Avery Edison's Internet Diary

Sheaf.

Jesus and his disciples are walking along a road. Jesus is eating wheat fresh off the stalk.

Judas: Jesus, you shouldn’t be picking that wheat. It’s the Sabbath.
Jesus: So I can’t eat if I’m hungry? You’ve gotta ease up on the rules there, Judas.
Judas: If I’m not mistaken, they’re your rules.
Jesus: Oh. Right. Well, in that case, uh… they don’t count. In this instance. This specific instance.
Judas: You can’t just go changing God’s Law-
Jesus: My law.
Judas: -whenever you want. People need consistency in a king.
Jesus: Ah, but I’m not just a king. I’m a king of kings. So I can be totally meta about my rules, and stuff.
Judas: “Meta” doesn’t mean “just dick around”. If you were going to be “meta” about rules, you’d be making rules about rules, not breaking existing rules.
Jesus: How’s this for a rule about a rule? I rule that you shut up. And also all rules only apply to me if I rule that the rule is relevant. Because I rule.
Judas:I admit, that is pretty meta.
Jesus: I’ve said the word “rule” too many times and now it sounds like nonsense.
Judas: How apropros.

Gospel.

Judas: You remember those guys you spoke to yesterday?
Jesus: Uh, yeah. Sure.
Judas: The four guys.
Jesus: I said yeah, okay? I remember.
Judas: What were their names?
Jesus: I don’t need to answer your stupid trick questions.
Judas: Matthew… Mark… Luke… J-
Jesus: -Jacob. The last one was Jacob.
Judas: John. It was John.
Jesus: I knew it was a trick.
Judas: Anyway, you need to pick one of them to be your official biographer.
Jesus: Wow, that sounds boring. You do it.
Judas: Dude, this is important. If you’re going to have any kind of legacy, you need a consistent narrative.
Jesus: I guess somebody’s PR classes are paying off.
Judas: Are you drunk?
Jesus: All I’ve had today is water.
Judas: I know what that means.
Jesus: Screw it, I pick all of them.
Judas: Sorry, what?
Jesus: They can all have a crack at it. I’ll pick the best one later.
Judas: That means you’re gonna have to pay all of them. You know that, right?
Jesus: Eh, I’ll just tell them they’ll be rewarded in heaven. It works on everyone.
Judas: …That’s what you said to me.
Jesus: I lied a minute ago. I am drunk.

Online brand.

Judas:  Jesus, you need to stop redesigning your website.
Jesus:  But I really feel like *this time* will be the *last* time. I just have to change one more thing...
Judas:  This isn't healthy. And anyway, I thought you said the whole concept of you having a website was redundant since you "are everywhere, in every bit and byte, every message board and Skype session, yea, even the sexy ones".
Jesus:  *Especially* the sexy ones, Judas. I'm super in those. But I need to establish a more *obvious* online presence.
Judas:  And the way to do that is with a website that displays an animated .gif of you high-five-ing a dead guy until he comes back to life?
Jesus:  Remind me to put in a disclaimer saying that I didn't know he would come back to life. I just wanted a cool Facebook profile pic.
Judas:  I assume that that's why the .gif ends with you terrified and trying to kick Lazarus *back to death*?
Jesus:  Yeah, I need you to show me how to edit that part out, and replace it with the words "Jesus loves you. But please stop asking Jesus to bring your friends back to life."

Recruitment.

Jesus:  Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.
Simon:  Sounds great!
Jesus:  Not in a gay way, though.
Andrew:  Uh, okay.
Jesus:  I just needed to make sure nobody was mishearing my words. You hear what happened to John the Baptist when he asked that chick for some head?
Judas:  This is not as spiritually fulfilling as I had hoped it would be.

Celebrations.

Jesus:  Judas, hey. Yo. You. Hey. What is up.
Judas:  I'm going to assume from that garbled grasp of English that you're already drunk for New Year's?
Jesus:  "Already"? Try *still*. It was only my birthday a week ago, man, I've still got a buzz goin'.
Judas:  I don't think that's healthy.
Jesus:  Quit worrying. Jeez. I swear, all your negativity is going to be the death of me.
Judas:  Normally you'd be really frustrating me right now, but you know what? I'm turning over a new leaf. One of my resolutions for 2012 is "be a calmer person".
Jesus:  Oh, right, resolutions. Yeah. Those are a thing.
Judas:  Well surely you don't need to make any, since you're already perfect, right?
Jesus:  Hey. Hey. You can always be better, Jude. Like, okay - water's pretty good, right? Especially if you're one of those dolphins the local aquarium took in? Well, you know what's better than water?
Judas:  For dolphins? Nothing. The end. End of the story.
Jesus:  WINE, dude. I turned that shit into *wine*. Totally improved, one hundred percent. "It's time for an undersea par-tay!" That's the song I sang.
Judas:  ...
Jesus:  At the aquarium.
Judas:  And I'm sure everything turned out great, huh?
Jesus:  Actually, it did. Because you know what else wine is great for? Funerals.
Judas:  Dolphin funerals?
Jesus:  You. Are. Getting. The hang. Of. This.

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Oh hey! Look what got its own separate tumblr for me to ignore!

PS. There’s also a twitter, so you can never miss a J+J.

PPS: Yes, I know that J+J get liked and reblogged whenever I post them on my main account, and shuffling them off to their own blog is gonna kill my tumblarity. But you know what? I just did a shitload of glue. So I don’t care.

Also I can taste colors.