Let’s get this party started.
Hey guys, welcome to the party, woo! Um, a few ground rules before we start. First, if you’re playing me at Mario Kart, don’t, don’t uh… don’t try to win. You’re not going to impress anyone. In fact, you’re just going to embarrass yourself and everyone else. When you play Mario Kart with me, it’s really more about watching a master at work than it is about victory. Which is, you know, impossible.
Okay, rule two: don’t go in my parents’s bedroom, blah blah blah… Oh! Rule three! This is an important one. If you and I are playing Mario Kart, do not pause the game. If you do, I will take it as an admission of defeat, and it will be the end of your turn. A lot of people, when they’re playing against me, they’re like, “ooh, I better pause so I can figure out what to do!” That’s foolhardy, and it just wastes time. Pointless.
Fourth rule, no smoking in the house.
Rule five: if we’re playing Mario Kart, please don’t start crying because you’re being pwned so hard. Okay? These controllers are expensive, and I don’t want to have to replace them because you’ve damaged them with your tears. Alright? I know it’s stressful being so utterly trounced by me, but try and keep it together.
Lastly, and most importantly, if we’re playing Mario Kart, and you get a blue shell? You are absolutely not allowed to use it. Okay? That’s cheating, as far as I’m concerned. I still believe that the existence of the blue shell is a bug in the game, and that taking advantage of that bug makes you a bad person.
Alright, let’s get started. Everyone form an orderly queue so that I can start beating you at Mario Kart one by one. We’re gonna have a lot of fun. At least, I am.
