Congratulations on your upcoming inter-species nuptials. I’m sure you’re over-joyed, and yet also terrified that the Xorblaxian mate that has been assigned to you may soon to inseminate you and fill your thorax with a thousand gleaming hivelings that will burst forth and devour our “wretched planet”.
I’m also sure you have a lot of questions! Let’s take a look at some of them and see if we can’t put your mind at ease.
My fiancée has assigned me a Xorblaxian nickname. I’m glad it feels affection for me, but I’m wondering just what my new name translates to. Is there an English-Xorblaxian dictionary I can purchase?
Ha, we wish! Our best linguists have been unable to establish more than a basic understanding of the Xorblaxian tongue, so the meaning of their strange utterances are lost to us. However, we do know that the most common nickname for Xorblaxian consorts decodes as “the Vessel”. Vessel for what exactly? We’re not certain. Maybe those hivelings we’re all so scared of!
My Xorblaxian mate spends most of its day cleaning his mandibles and milking its fore-glands. Am I marrying a jobless layabout?
Don’t worry - you husbride is simply preparing for the busy nights it spends with those very mandibles plunged into your temples, better to pump you full of a potent pleasure-giving neuro-toxin.
My Xorblaxian used to ask me questions about my personal life, but lately its inquiries have taken a turn. “Where did you grow up?” “How far away was your home from the nearest pulse generator?” “Do you know any of the access codes to the pulse generator?” I feel like I’m on a strange quiz show. How can I get my future partner to cool it with the questions?
Xorblaxians are a very curious species, especially when it comes to matters of Earth’s defenses. Anthropologists have found that the best thing to do is simply answer every single query, in the hopes that you’ll overload your Xorblaxian with information and cause it to become bored. It hasn’t worked yet, but we have faith. These days, we have to have faith.
My fiancée is paying a lot of attention to the cycles of the moon, and has begun painting odd sigils on my body with the ink that secretes from its exo-pores. Is this normal?
Xorblaxian wedding traditions are different from ours in many ways. Your betrothed is just preparing for the magical day when you and it will genetically bond together and become one with the overmind. Try to think of all the lunar worship and rune art as the Xorblaxian equivalent of a bachelor party or wedding shower. It just means that the future master of your psychic terrain is getting excited!
I am a normal human looking for other normal humans that would like to discuss our suspicions about a possible Xorblaxian takeover of the planet. Where can I find other normal, non-alien humans like myself to meet with and not dissolve with my enzyme tentacles as a warning to other rebels?
Nice try, Xorblaxian! If I wasn’t so sure that relations between Xorblax and Earth were peaceful, I’d almost be worried! Luckily, I know you guys are a big bunch of kidders. Quit pulling my leg (the things at at the bottom of my abdomen, where you would have your horrifying spike-limbs)!